Monday, September 17, 2012

Rule #141: Sometimes a girl's just gotta cry

I'm not gonna lie, I'm having a hard time.

I'm overwhelmed with my options on how to treat Evan. I'm hopeless when it comes to his autistic outbursts that now seem to be more frequent. I'm unsure of his future.

But the most difficult emotion for me is that I'm having difficultly being positive. That's not like me. In previous posts I was able to move forward to progress, and be proactive to help my son. I don't know where that girl went, but I feel like I've misplaced her. I know she'll come back, I just wish it was sooner rather than later.

We went to an appointment at the Children Center for Evan's social skills class. They wanted to evaluate his skill level so they could place him in a group that would be the most beneficial. Getting to the appointment was a story by itself, but I'd rather not relive that moment right now.

Once we got there, we had missed our appointment (for the aforementioned moment) Luckily, they had another one twenty minutes later. There is a one way mirror in the classroom so parents can watch without being distracting.

There were many different types of mothers behind the glass.

Optimistic Ones:  Women that could focus on how far their child had come and how helpful certain therapies had been. Very talkative and comfortable with their life.

Curious Ones: Women that asked question after question to anyone who would listen. When did you know something was wrong with your child? Are they having violent outbursts? Do they go to a regular school? What therapies are you using?

Quiet Ones: Women who will politely answer questions directed at them, but are not starting conversations. Women too absorbed in their new life of a mother of an autistic son, but not ready to really embrace it enough to talk about it.

Defeated Ones: Women who couldn't even smile when talking about their child. Flat affect, monotone. Would answer the questions of the Curious and Optimistic, despite oozing vibes of "don't talk to me, I'm drowning here!"

If you're wondering, I'm one of the Quiet Ones.
My biggest fear is becoming a Defeated One.

My lack of a positive outlook has really thrown me. I'm frankly not sure what to do, and it worries me that down the road I could become defeated.

Deep down I will fight to the death to help my child. I know that I will. I would sacrifice anything and everything to help him have the full life he deserves. I'm just not sure what those sacrifices need to be, how intense our lives need to get. Most of the time he's SO CLOSE to being appropriate, I just don't feel he needs some of the really intense therapies. But where does that leave us?

What if I'm not doing enough?

I don't know how to handle my own child when he gets in these moods. I don't know how to reach him sometimes.

And that devastates me. 

I feel like I'm floundering in my insecurities and my frustration. (And lets not forget he hasn't slept consistently since December!)

I know I should join a support group. But I don't want to. I'm still not ready to put myself out there as the mother of an autistic child. That would make it real. (like the diagnosis and therapies don't, right?) I'm not ready to talk to strangers about my struggles as a mother.

A quote found me the other day.

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, just imagine that its going to launch you into something great. So just focus and keep aiming."

 All I can do is keep aiming for a positive attitude. Aiming for a good life for my son. Aiming for the tools and knowledge to get him there. Aiming for true acceptance.

That's not all I can do.

I can give it to the Lord. He can and will be my own personal support group until I feel ready to face the world.