I went back to work last week.
I had assumed that I would feel just as I felt when I went back to work after having Evan. But just like every child is different, even similar situations are never exactly the same.
I was excited to see my friends. I was excited to be a nurse again. And once there, realized how much I had missed BEING a nurse. It is so much a part of me. I love what I do. I love being able to help critically sick babies. I love seeing the rewards of my efforts when the babies do well. I love being there for the parents. I love it all.
But of course I miss my boys. All three of them. After three months of being home with all of them, it was a little bittersweet to go back to work. That, I expected. But last time, I was no longer breastfeeding. I did not anticipate what a difference that would make for me to leave.
Breastfeeding does not come easily for me. It has been an up and down rollercoaster of success and (seemingly) failures. I really wanted to make my milk last longer for Graham than it did for Evan. And believe you me, I have worked hard at it. For several weeks, pumped after every time I nursed (minus night time feedings, lets be honest...I didn't need it to work out THAT desperately) and it was rewarding to see all of the effort pay off.
I got my wish. I wanted to be able to experience pumping at work. Not for the actually physical experience, but for what it would mean. I made it at least three months! I have been able to provide for my child for three months! I didn't forsee any downside to this.
It made it harder to leave.
I don't love Graham any more than I love/loved Evan. But there is a different connection when you are breastfeeding your baby. It was harder to think that he would be getting a bottle x number of times while you are gone. Trying to decide how many times you want your sleep the next morning to be interupted so that you could nurse your baby and not loose your supply, and still get enough sleep to work again that night. It was just different.
I am now starting my second week back at work. Things seems to be falling right back into sync. It's a nice feeling, loving what I do, knowing my children are well cared for, loving the time we get to spend together as a family. We like our routine. It's nice to know that even if things don't feel exactly as you expected, they can still be good.
Caftans
2 days ago
5 comments:
I'm glad you love doing what you do, both as a mother and a nurse! There are multiple sacrafice when breastfeeding, but you're doing it!
I think it's neat that you have had these two different experiences to compare. I agree that breatfeeding does make leaving your babe harder, but what's important is that you find a way to make your routine work, and it sounds like you are, so yea!!
You're doing awesome! Feeding babies is a hard thing. That's why we feel so proud when we have chubby healthy babies and so personally devestated when they are underweight. Time is the universal problem solver and looks like it's already helping things work better. You are a great mom!
Meghan - I (for one) am thrilled to have you back at work! You are doing a great job with these little life challenges, and you are an inspiration to me. Thanks for all the good advice, and for just being my friend. ;)
It is good to know that things are going well for you. We definitely need nurses like you when those we love most . . . or ourselves get sick. Thanks Megs!! . . . and thanks again for taking care of Will!
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